I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
A double negative is a big no-no.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist