My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”