[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Covid like
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
crochet youtube is brutal
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset