11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.