Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
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Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I hate when that happens.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.