I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
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HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.