Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
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My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?