The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.