John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.