My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”