We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.