Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
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What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
went fishing caught a bass
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?