POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Bobby pin
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK