My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
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oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
The dark side of Canada
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.