To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
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There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.