Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
why no one uses midhusbands
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
britain’s three elite institutions
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa