I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like