My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha