[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.