I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
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Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.