[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
absolutely not
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Last-minute gift idea!
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc