The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back