I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
*skinny dips into black hole
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
How software testing works
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.