Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.