Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
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We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
They’re on their honeymoon
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss