He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.