BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
found this cool rock hiking today
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
What about second breakfast?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.