*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
This week’s mood.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers