A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
*weighs self after shaving
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.