#inspiration #foodforthought
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game