My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”