Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
You Might Also Like
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.