Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
dude it’s called proctologist
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Finally, an instrument I can play!