Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Beware of the “party goblin”…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.