The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Meow
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
o shit