[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
You Might Also Like
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.