As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
this is the news I live for
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
🤣🤣🤣