They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually