Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Perfect
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
How do horror writers compete with current events?
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal