Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Sorry I made promises on Friday
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.