I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
😂😂😂
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits