“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me irl
Doggies just call it style.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
OH. COME. ON.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.