“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.