Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.