Name another movie that mislead you?
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
that wasn’t the question
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies