Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
This line from Airplane.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
God has left this place
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“I FIXED IT!”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu