Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
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Respect
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.