[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Worth remembering.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.