Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW