Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
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There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
This is true.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.